I miscarried in August this year.
It was the most painful, life changing event of my life.
It took me several months to really consider even wanting to get pregnant again after my daughter(now is 3). In January we started trying. Although I know a lot of people try a lot longer, It was starting to get annoying not being able to get pregnant. With my daughter it was so easy. After 6 months of trying, and frustrated beyond belief, I decided to see a doctor(mostly because I was beyond due for that wonderful annual visit, but figured I’d ask some questions as well). Other than some suggestions, the doctor had an inkling I may have been ovulating, or getting ready to. Well, boom I was pregnant! We were pretty excited. We were going to wait until my daughters birthday to tell everyone, but the secret got out sooner than we had hoped it would. Once it was out, we decided to tell everyone after the first ultra sound appointment. Which was a lot sooner than my pregnancy with my daughter. My husband couldn’t make it to the appointment with me due to a family emergency, so I went with my daughter alone. It was such a happy visit. My daughter kept kissing my belly, the tech was really sweet, the baby appeared to even wave to us at one point(of course I know better, but it was a sweet thought). I was about 10wks at that point. The next several days followed and we started to tell people slowly. I just felt like if I told everyone, something was going to happen. The Thursday after my appointment(6 days later) I went to work like any normal day. I started feeling kind of sick, and having some cramping. It went on most of the day. I thought it was normal, because it can be. Later in the afternoon and went to the bathroom and had some very light spotting. I kind of freaked out and called the dr office. After speaking with a nurse and her telling me that anytime there is bleeding involved at that stage of the pregnancy it’s wise to go to the hospital. So I did. I met my husband there. Our daughter stayed with my mother in law. Went into the ER, they registered me, got me in. Did and exam. Ran some tests. Did an ultrasound. Baby seemed to be fine. Heart rate was good. I had a uti, so they sent me home with a prescription. I picked it up on my way home. Picked up dinner and went home. After eating dinner that night, my husband went to get our daughter and I rested on the couch for the evening. After going to bed for the evening and sleeping a few hours I woke with terrible pains in my lower stomach. For two hours I laid in bed crying, wondering what was happening. I eventually started to bleed, and a little after 3am I felt a pop, like my water broke.(I mentioned that to the ER doctor, he told me in the midst of everything that wasn’t what I felt)after the pop I started to bleed and had large clots. My husband got my daughter out of bed, and drove us to the hospital. My mother in law met us there to get our daughter. I laid in the hospital bed with IVs for pain meds and fluids for a couple of hours before getting an ultrasound and having tests done to make certain I miscarried. Our ultrasound tech was the mother of one of my husbands good childhood friend that we still see and speak with. That was a surprise, a comforting surprise. We never saw the baby. It’s possible they retrieved it during my emergency d&c. I couldn’t ask. The whole time between arriving at the hospital and leaving, all I could think about was my husband and how it was affecting him as he waited in the ER room with me, to being entirely alone in the waiting room, to being in recovery with me. After being in recovery I was still praying it was all a nightmare. I took a week off of work to recoup. It was a rough week. It was a rough few weeks. The emotions, the soreness and pain, the bleeding, the loneliness, the emptiness, the defeat, anger, sadness, guilt(not sure why, I suppose feeling the loss of my body not doing what it’s supposedly meant to do the correct way).
A few weeks passed and I received a text from a friend at church letting me know about a very unique and special event going on a couple weeks following. She got me in contact with one of the coordinating ladies for a women’s retreat coming up. I contemplated going not really knowing what to expect. The info that was given to me was that the event was for women of all ages and stages of grief dealing with miscarriage, stillbirths, and infant loss. It was an entirely free weekend for any of the ladies going. I was pretty petrified of the idea of going to someone’s lake house I didn’t know, in an area I didn’t know, with a bunch of women I didn’t know, to talk about feelings(yuck lol). But I went. After arriving at the house and meeting a few of the women I started to feel more comfortable. I had a roommate too. After meeting her I explained that I had no clue what to expect, she said the same, and if there was a moment to talk about our stories, I’m not so sure I’d be able to share, let alone stay in the living room with everyone. That was a weekend I’ll never forget. It’s hard not to compare when each story is so different. It doesn’t change that either way a child is lost. For a parent, whether it be an early miscarriage, or an infant passing from SIDS, it’s a child that is gone and forever remembered.
And so begins the wait.
One thing I wish I had in this time of waiting and grieving was my family. We live in different states, 1300 miles apart. The weeks following I had a problem being alone, mostly not being with my husband. It wasn’t a life threatening thing, it was more an anxiety of loneliness. I did not want to be alone. We spent some time around my husbands family, as well as my husband and I spending some time together.
I busied myself at work, and at home(at home was easy to stay busy with a potty training 3yr old, at times that made things hard too). I just didn’t want to think about it. Although, there isn't a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. The more I tried not to think about it, the more I thought about it. The days that were the hardest for me were the days I was at work and could not be near my husband. Not for any reason in particular, other than not feel like I could grieve.
Grieving is so important to dealing with a loss. The worst part about grieving for me is the waiting and the time it takes. Grief hits you at random times. Sometimes when you least expect it. The roller coaster of emotions that come with it are not all that wonderful either.
Over 20 years ago my aunt(my dads sister), died in a car accident due to a drunk driver hitting them head on. Also, killing my 3 cousins and severely injuring our uncle who is still alive. We are all still grieving from that. My grandmother most of all. You can read the story here. http://articles.latimes.com/1993-12-16/news/vw-2537_1_nadine-milford
We all grieve in our own way, in our own time. In God’s time. That is definitely one thing I’ve learned in these last 4 months. Everything we feel through grieving, everything we think, everything we remember is in God’s timing. There is no right or wrong. Every situation is different.
One of the best ways to go through grief is talking about whatever it is you’re going through(and takes a very brave person to do so), as well as keeping a journal. It helps you sort your thoughts and make sense of what is going on. Some of the women I have met(bravest women I’ve ever met) from the earlier mentioned retreat went through counseling. Which of course is highly recommend to most. It’s very important to find a support group of some kind that knows what you are going through. That group of women kinda changed my life. The situation in itself changed my life.
Going from waiting to WANT to grow our family, waiting to get pregnant, finding out we finally were and waiting to tell everyone. To waiting for that dreadful day to be over, waiting for the grief to get easier, waiting to find my purpose again. Give yourself some time. God is good all the time!
